(A hooded killer enters Fish Village. It sees Ratcatcher humming while walking around.)
Hooded Killer: Hey, Ratcatcher.
Ratcatcher: Yes, stranger?
Hooded Killer: Why are rats scarier than mice?
Ratcatcher: I don't know. Why?
Hooded Killer: Because they are bigger then mice!
Ratcatcher: (claps sarcastically) Good one, stranger.
Hooded Killer: (pulls out a knife) You didn't get my joke, so I will (beep) kill you!
(The hooded killer stabs Ratcatcher in the neck and then the back.)
Ratcatcher: Another unwanted visitor. Ohhh...(faints)
Hooded Killer: Well, I suppose your friends will hear about your death tonight. (laughs evilly)
Ratcatcher (yelling): Fish Eaters! Can someone get out here and teach this stranger a lesson?!
Hooded Killer: They didn't hear you. (laughs evilly)
(The hooded killer stabs Ratcatcher in the heart four times, killing her.)
THE NEXT MORNINGEdit
(Tallstar exits the Himalayan Hut.)
Tallstar: (smells the air and sighs) What a beautiful day for...(gasps as he sees Ratcatcher's dead body) Ratcatcher? Can you hear me? (no response from Ratcatcher, whose neck and back are bleeding) Oh no. I gotta tell Firestar!
(Panting, Tallstar runs to the Egypt Hut and slams open the door. He sees Firestar in the kitchen drying his hands with a paper towel. Tallstar enters the kitchen.)
Tallstar: Sir, I have bad news!
Firestar: What happened, Tallstar? Tell me!
Tallstar: Somebody murdered Ratcatcher last night. She was stabbed to death and is bleeding!
Firestar: Oh no! This is terrible! I'm gonna call the police. (runs up to the phone and dials 9-1-1.) (The phone makes a noise)
Male voice on phone: The number you have dialed was rejected.
Firestar: Damn it. (hangs up)
(Dewey Beach enters the kitchen.)
Dewey Beach: Did you say something about someone being murdered?
Firestar: It was Ratcatcher.
Tallstar: Did you hear her screaming last night?
Dewey Beach: I did. Some imbissile entered Fish Village last night and violently murdered her. In fact, I'm the one who can solve it. (puts on a deerstalker, a white shirt, a brown jacket, a brown tie, brown pants, white socks and black shoes and pulls out a magnifiying glass) Dewey Beach is a foot!
(Outside, Dewey Beach investigates Ratcatcher's body. He pulls out a pencil and a notepad.)
Dewey Beach: Let's see. (writes down the following and reads it out loud as he writes it):
| Blood dripping from neck and back
| Sword straight through heart
(Somewhere in the forest, the hooded killer appears behind Katelyn.)
Katelyn: Uh, hello, stranger.
Hooded Killer: Say, do you like shredded cheese?
Katelyn: I don't eat it that much.
Hooded Killer: Soon enough, you will. (pulls out a cheese shredder; Katelyn's jaw drops)
(Dewey Beach is pulling the sword on Ratcatcher out of her.)
Dewey Beach: This sword won't come out, damn it! (pulls it out) Finally. It took me ten seconds. I guess someone will find a safe place for this body. (kicks the body twice with his foot)
Katelyn (shouting, off screen): What the hell are you doing?! Does that thing shred cheese? IT DOES! It's a cheese shredder, damn it!
Dewey Beach (shouting): Hang on, Katelyn! I'm coming to rescue you! (runs off screen)
(The hooded killer finishes Katelyn with its cheese shredder and leaves the forest. Katelyn is now a pile of her shredded body. Enter Dewey Beach.)
Dewey Beach: Katelyn? Are you all right? (sees Katelyn's shredded body) Oh my goodness! The killer must've asked her a question about cheese. Anyhow, I'm gonna search through this pile. (He finds two familiar parts of Katelyn) Hey, what are these? (he reveals Katelyn's fingers and toes) Katelyn's fingers?! And her toes?! I am not surprised! The killer must've ate her eyes while the rest of her body was shredded. Okay. (sets them back on the pile and writes down the following and reads it out loud as he writes it):
| Victim of a cheese shredder
| Body was shredded
| Fingers and toes weren't shredded
| Eyes were eaten
(Somewhere else in the forest, the hooded killer appear behind Honeyfern while holding a poison.)
Hooded Killer: Hey, Honeyfern.
Hooded Killer: Eat this! (stuffs the poison into Honeyfern, causing her to choke on it, swallow it and die) (It throws a fire bomb at Honeyfern and it cremates her) Now, I'll just put her ashes in this can and dump them into this grill. (puts Honeyfern's ashes in a can and dumps them into a nearby grill, closes the lid and chuckles as it leaves)
FIVE MINUTES LATEREdit
(Alexandra and Carina stare at the grill. A sound in the grill is heard. Dewey Beach comes by.)
Dewey Beach: Alexandra! Carina! I came over here as fast as I could.
Alexandra: Dewey, Honeyfern has been murdered!
Dewey Beach: But but but, how?
(Alexandra opens the lid of the grill. Honeyfern's ashes are on the bottom of the grill. Dewey Beach explodes, then Alexandra, then Carina.)
Carina: Whew! Nothing's cooking on this grill right now.
Dewey Beach: I'm gonna take notes on this piece of crap. Let's see. (writes down the following and reads it out loud as he writes it):
| Had a poison stuffed in her
| Dumped into the bottom of a grill
Alexandra (as Red comes by): This couldn't make cooking as easy as it sounds.
(Dewey Beach, Alexandra, Carina and Red are covered in Honeyfern's ashes, which explode on them. Red explodes the ashes off himself and everyone else.)
Carina: I stand corrected.
Red: Boy, hearing about these murders is stressing me out. I'm gonna go tan. (heads to a nearby tanning bed, puts on goggles and gets in it) Ah yeah, there we go. (the tanning bed lid closes itself) Uh oh.
(Red is murdered by the tanning bed.)
Dewey Beach: Oh my god!
Carina: Holy guacamole! It almost looked like he was going to (beep) himself!
Dewey Beach: (looks under the lid) My god! Spikes are under the lid. And it looks like it was at 50 degrees. (writes down the following and reads it out loud as he writes it):
| Victim of a tanning bed
| Tanning bed was at 50 degrees
| Spikes were under the lid
(In the forest, the hooded killer ties Serena and Chantal to a small pole above a campfire.)
Hooded Killer: Time to make some chicken. Let's get dangerous! (lights the campfire with a match)
Serena (as she and Chantal burn to death): Hey, wait. Hold on! Hey, wait, wait, hold on! You're an unwanted visitor. Oh, christ! Stop, stop! What the hell?! At least poison us first!
Chantal (as she and Serena continue to burn to death): AH, KILL US! Come on, what the (beep)?! Help! HELP!!!
Hooded Killer: Time for you two to go to Hell!
Dewey Beach: It better not be one of the remaining Fish Eaters, not even us!
Alexandra: If one of us didn't do it, then who did?
Whiskers: (comes by) Dewey, there's been another murder!
(In the forest, Dewey Beach and Whiskers stand next to the washed out campfire. A sheet is on something on the pole. Dewey Beach takes the sheet off and the body reveals to be Serena and Chantal's skeletons. Dewey Beach and Whiskers are frightened.)
Whiskers: JESUS (BEEP) CHRIST!
Dewey Beach (shuddering): Serena and Chantal are now...Oh! Holy crap. Skeletons! AHH! Oh god, I can't look! (stops shuddering) I'll take some notes. (writes down the following as he reads it out loud as he writes it):
Serena and Chantal
| Victims of campfire
| Now skeletons
| Were hoped for killer's snack, which was chicken, which failed
TEN MINUTES LATEREdit
(The hooded killer appears behind Danielle and Lauren.)
Hooded Killer: You ladies want to be blackmailed?
Danielle: No. Why would you want to do that?
Hooded Killer: To paint these trees with your brains. (pulls out two shock darts)
Lauren: Please, stranger, we love to paint. But we're not really into it that much, so...Hey! What are you doing with those shock darts? (The hooded killer throws both darts, one at Danielle and one at Lauren, electrocuting them and making them collapse)
Hooded Killer: There's more where that came from.
(Dewey Beach investigates the bodies and writes down the following as he reads it out loud as he writes it):
Danielle and Lauren
| Victims of shock darts
(Mopslinger is outside the Somali Hut.)
Mopslinger: For my next trick, I will limbo under this mop while I explain who the hell will bite my shiny metal ass.
Hooded Killer: Well, the answer to that is me!
(The hooded killer fires a giant bazooka at Mopslinger, decapitating her. It then cremates her by throwing a fire bomb at her.)
Hooded Killer: My work in this village will continue after my break. (disappears in fog)
(Dewey Beach collects Mopslinger's ashes and puts them in an urn.)
Dewey Beach: There. An urn will keep the ashes safe and sound. (writes down the following as he reads it out loud as he writes it):
| Ashes were in urn
A FEW MINUTES LATEREdit
(The Fish Eaters are outside.)
Firestar: Fish Eaters, I've called you all here so that Dewey can make an important announcement.
Dewey Beach: Seven Somali Fish Eaters were murdered!
Zachary (as the Fish Eaters gasp in horror): Great Shatner's ghost!
Dewey Beach: I investigated their murders and heard the killer say it's gonna stop killing people for a while. (Olivia raises her hand) Yes, Liv?
Olivia: When are you gonna round up the suspects?
Dewey Beach: As soon as I can. We'll also have a funeral for those who were murdered. The murders happened in many different ways, so I'll think about how we can set this up.
(end of part 1)